


Maker Only Knows Why

by DualWieldingCousland (DualWieldingMama)



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age II
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-21
Updated: 2015-04-21
Packaged: 2018-03-25 04:36:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3796933
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DualWieldingMama/pseuds/DualWieldingCousland
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's been three years since Fenris walked out on Ruari Hawke and she's still thinking about him.  When he asks for her help with his sister, she can't really turn him down.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Maker Only Knows Why

**Author's Note:**

> First few bits are essentially Ruari's memories from the night Fenris walked out and a few events afterwards (all from Act 2). Then, jumps to Act 3.

“Forgive me”

His words echoed in her ears as she watched the elf move swiftly out the bedroom door. She said nothing as she heard his feet make gentle thumps against the stairs as he ran. Even in his haste, he moved almost silently; she didn’t know if that came from being an elf, or if it was just a Fenris thing. She held herself together long enough to hear the door close, then buried her face in her pillow and wept. 

She didn’t know why it hurt so much; it’s not like she’d expected anything to happen with him. She’d been stunned when he showed up in her house, and more so when they seemed to just fall together. She’d harbored feelings for him for a while but never acted on them, thinking he only saw her as a friend. It hadn’t helped that Isabella often hinted that she and the elf had taken a tumble, frequently.

But he’d shown up, and the night they spent together was amazing. Then, he’d run out, apologizing. She didn’t know what to make of it. He’d said it’d been beyond words, after stating rather flatly that it had been fine. Was he put off because she hadn’t been any good? Admittedly, she’d had little experience in the last several years. There had been some adventurous heavy petting in Lothering, but since coming to Kirkwall, it seemed like there wasn’t enough free time to catch a breath most days. Besides, no one had captured her eye … until him. 

After he left, she spent the next several hours outside in the cold rain, hacking away at an old training dummy Aveline had given her. And the next morning found her feverish and throwing up, prompting a summoned Bethany to wonder what had happened. She stayed locked in her room for days, under the pretense of recovering from a bad illness, only venturing out when she was certain she could see even him without breaking down.

 

But soon, it was back to business as usual, so to speak. Every other day or so, she and a small contingent of companions would go off on one adventure or another. She typically brought Anders along; his healing skills outweighed the annoyance at his tendency to launch into mage rights arguments. Plus, Bethany wasn’t allowed out of the Circle that often, even if she would only be in the company of her sister. Her other almost constant companion served not only to ruffle the mage’s feathers, but break her heart a little at a time. Fenris’s blade and his abilities were helpful when she inevitably ran into something bigger than she could handle alone. Carth, her mabari, also nearly always came along; she didn’t want him driving everyone at home crazy. Sometimes, Sebastian or Varric came along, giving her someone to talk to. The others would also occasionally come along, though most of their schedules kept them busy.

 

Then came the Qunari incident, as it was later referred to. She’d had no idea what to expect once she and her friends reached the Viscount’s Keep, but it certainly hadn’t been what she’d walked into. The Arishok had apparently grown tired of Kirkwall, not that she could really blame him. Several of the more … vocal residents had done much to push him to the breaking point. But even still, he had gone too far. And then, she was facing off against him in a duel, just because she wouldn’t let them take Isabella with them as punishment for stealing some book. 

She could hear people calling her name as she dodged and struck, twisting this way and that, hoping to avoid the Arishok’s blade. She did well, for a while, but soon was covered in bruises and cuts and fell to her knees. She knew she had only one shot, at that point, and gripped her dagger, waiting. Then, she struck, driving her blade deep into his chest as he went in for the kill. She felt someone lift her up, feeling the familiar prickles of elven armor. She heard cheering and a surprised Meredith and Orsino finally bursting into the room. She thought she heard a familiar voice whisper her name, then she had fallen into darkness.

 

It took a few weeks for her to recover from the injuries sustained in the fight with the Arishok. Meredith had given Bethany permission to tend to her sister, though under the near constant guard of Knight-Captain Cullen. Anders was there as well, much to the templar’s dismay. He knew the man was an apostate, but his close ties with the injured woman, who had just nearly lost her life defending the city from the Qunari, stayed his hand. He was also a skilled healer, able to take on longer periods on watch than Bethany. As soon as Ruari was sufficiently recovered, however, she sent both mages away, preferring to finish recuperating alone. And soon, she was back to her normal behavior, questing again, accompanied by Anders, Fenris, Carth, Sebastian and Varric.

 

For three long years this went on. She and her friends would carry out whatever oddball quest captured her attention at the time. It was often profitable, though the bickering between mage and elf was growing more and more tiresome. And there was still unspoken tension between her and Fenris, even after all this time. She kept hoping the others didn’t notice, but despite her best efforts, at least one did.

“Why do you insist on bringing Fenris along when it’s obvious his presence hurts you, lass?” Sebastian asked one afternoon. He had come to the Hawke estate to work with her on some new skills; she wanted to have a fall back in case her blades ever weren’t enough. The former prince knew he was one of the only two people she’d felt comfortable confiding in after things seemingly went south with Fenris, and he did his best to be there for her.

Ruari smirked and tried her hand at stringing the bow he’d presented her. “For the same reason I bring Anders along, Sebastian.” She fiddled with the string, not really paying attention. “I need all the help I can get. If you haven’t noticed, I have a tendency to get myself into trouble.” She stuck her tongue out in a very unladylike manner when he laughed his agreement, then went on. “Having him around helps lessen the number of people paying attention to me; he’s a far greater threat with that sword of his than I am.” She’d grown to appreciate the benefits of having such a skilled warrior at her side, and his extra … abilities had saved her neck more than once.

“Fair point,” he chuckled, moving over to guide her hands before the bowstring snapped back. “It just pains me to see you hurting every time he steps into your line of vision.” If he hadn’t taken vows so long ago, Sebastian knew he would have made a move on the woman by now, his friendship with Fenris be damned. But he’d devoted himself to Andraste for so long, and even though he was now questioning those vows, Ruari Hawke deserved more than he could give. “Why don’t you bring Aveline along more often, then?” he suggested. “I’m sure her sword would be just as effective, plus she has a shield. Or, you could even … and I can’t believe I’m saying this, bring Isabella?”

She shook her head and watched as her fingers moved to string the bow perfectly under his guidance. “I can’t take Aveline away from her duties as guard captain now. Plus, there’s Donnic to consider.” In truth, as much as Ruari liked her fellow Ferelden refugee, she just didn’t feel the same closeness she had with the men in her group, even with the tension & bickering. “And Isabella? Really?” She looked over at her friend with an amused sigh. “She’d pick up on the tension in a second and not let go. You know this.” Ruari set the bow down beside her and involuntarily clenched her fists. “Besides, she’s been hinting that she and Fenris have been … together as of late.”

Sebastian frowned and rested a hand on her shoulder. It shouldn’t surprise him that Isabella would say something like that, though he did doubt the truthfulness. He and Fenris spent a surprising amount of time together when they weren’t off with Hawke; at least once a week they met over drinks and just chatted, and he was almost positive the elf hadn’t been with anyone else, Isabella included, since that night. But before he could say anything, she straightened up and smiled sweetly at him.

“And really, do you want her to start in on you again?” She reached over and gently poked him in the chest. “I’m sure she’d love the chance to try and bring your old habits out to play again.”

Sebastian shuddered, realizing Hawke was right. Isabella was not one to play well with others when they had a secret they were keeping. And she took an annoying liking to harassing him as often as possible. Perhaps it was best she did not come along. “You make a compelling argument,” he sighed, shaking his head as she picked up the bow again and readied an arrow. “Have you considered finding someone else, then? Perhaps if you found someone … new, it would make being around him easier?” He felt odd, telling her to essentially jump to another man, but she needed something to take her mind off Fenris, especially if she insisted on bringing him along. It’d been three years, after all.

She turned to stare at him, unaware that the arrow she held was now pointed at one of her best friends. “You can’t be serious!” she exclaimed, stunned. “Have you seen the people we hang around with?” She didn’t see a whole lot of options floating around Kirkwall for a single woman with her background. 

“What’s wrong with the people we associate with?” he asked seriously, gently directing the pointy bit away from his anatomy. In truth, he had a good idea of what she meant, but perhaps talking about it would bring something new to light.

“Well, there’s one big strike against Aveline, Merrill and Isabella, since I prefer my partner to be male.” She smirked as Sebastian nodded; he knew good and well she was not interested in women. She barely got along with most of them, anyway. “Varric is rather attached to Bianca, and to be honest, I’m not sure I could handle a dwarf … especially one like Varric.” She liked Varric well enough; along with Sebastian and possibly Fenris, the current state of things notwithstanding, he was one of her best friends. But that didn’t mean she wanted to get involved with him.

“There’s Anders, I suppose,” Sebastian offered half-heartedly. He wasn’t fond of the idea of her taking up with the mage, in all honesty. There was something about the man that he just didn’t trust. Add to that Anders’ obvious disdain of Grand Cleric Elthina and one came up with a rather undesirable man, in his opinion.

Ruari shook her head softly. She felt a little bad for speaking ill of the man; he was her friend, after all. “Anders is … well, Anders. I care about him. I do. But there’s only so much ‘Mage Revolution’ I can take. He seems to forget that my sister is a mage and keeps me filled in on life in the Circle.” She frowned down at the weapons in her hand, then gently set them on the bench. It was probably not the best idea to hold onto it while in such a mood. “Yes, there are templars that should most likely be … replaced; Meredith does come to mind. Just like there are some mages that should be made tranquil. It’s no different than anything else. There are bad people. There are good people – Cullen and Thrask for example. I just … don’t think that the mages shouldn’t have some sort of group designed to keep them in check. Just like the rest of us have the City Guard to keep us in line.”

It sometimes surprised her how easy it was to just talk about this with Sebastian. Fenris always took Meredith’s point of view, though he had warmed to Bethany. Anders always took the opposite stance and refused to acknowledge that there might be good templars out there. Sebastian was, refreshingly, not vocal about either. She knew where his beliefs led him and respected that, as he respected hers; neither felt the need to cram their opinion down the other’s throat every waking minute. “Then there’s you,” Ruari said with a laugh. “But I don’t think I’m too fond of the idea of trying to convince you to break your vows.” She reached over and mussed his hair, earning an indignant yelp before adding, “Don’t think I haven’t considered trying, but I value your friendship far too much.”

Sebastian swatted her hands away and made far more of a show of straightening his hair than necessary. “I understand, lass,” he sighed softly. If anyone could make him regret, even for an instant, his vows to the Chantry, it was Ruari. But neither wanted the guilt should the relationship sour, and so they had settled into a comfortable friendship, both willing to confide in each other things they would never tell anyone else. “What about someone from outside our little group?”

Ruari frowned for a moment, thinking. “I don’t think there are too many men that would actually be interested,” she finally admitted. “And there aren’t many I’d be interested in.” She had to be careful who she brought into their little pack now. The fact that she traveled with a rather vocal apostate made it near impossible to bring new people into the fold.

“Surely there is someone in Kirkwall that finds you desirable,” he teased lightheartedly. It would surprise some of their friends just how relaxed he was around her, given his demeanor with some of the others. But she made it easy; she never pressed him for more than he could give, and he could forgive the occasional teasing comment.

“Choir-boy has a point; surely there’s someone around here that doesn’t find you repulsive.” Varric strolled in, smirking. He knew he hadn’t interrupted anything between the pair, as much as Isabella hoped there would be. Sebastian was honorable and still warring with himself as to what he should do. And Ruari had been mooning over that elf for the last three years, though she did a fairly good job of hiding it.

Ruari frowned, then stuck her tongue out at the dwarf. “Very funny, Varric,” she grumbled, reaching for the bow at her side threateningly. When her friends just laughed, she sighed and shook her head, standing up. “I’ll assume you didn’t just wander over in search of my company, or Sebastian’s,” she grinned. “What did you need?”

“Me? Nothing that I would trouble you for,” Varric replied smoothly.

“This time,” Sebastian added, laughing.

Varric just smiled. “Actually, I came to remind you that the festival is going on and several people have been asking for you both.” He wasn’t surprised that the pair hadn’t made appearances; neither one was big on public spectacles. There was always someone out there intent on harming one of them … usually Hawke.

“Oh, that’s right. I suppose you, at least, should go mingle.” Sebastian nudged Ruari toward the door with a laugh. “I doubt there are many women eager to converse with a brother of the Chantry.”

She grabbed his arm and smiled evilly. “Oh, I’m sure there’s a bored housewife or two that would love to try and convince a former prince to live it up a little.” Ruari knew of at least seven women … and one man … sure to be at the festival that had their eye on Sebastian. The only thing that kept them at a distance was his association with her, but even that wouldn’t be enough for long. “And if I have to make an appearance and be pestered by idiots, so do you.”

Sebastian groaned at the idea of fending off the women of Kirkwall. In his youth, he would have reveled in the attention, but now, it only served to annoy him. “If we must, then,” he sighed, extending his arm for her to take. “At least allow me the pleasure of escorting you out, before you’re whisked away by scores of men and I break the hearts of these poor women.”

Varric just laughed, shaking his head as he led the pair from the courtyard to the side gate. They were lucky that the gate opened into an alley, rather than right into the festival. It gave them a moment to compose themselves mentally. 

“I’ll go this way,” Ruari finally said, pointing down another alley. It would let out on the other side of her neighbor’s house and allow her a chance to scout the area before being seen. “Varric, you and Sebastian go that way.” She directed her friends down the more straight-forward path, knowing the pair wouldn’t attract as much attention if they weren’t with her. As the group parted ways, no one noticed the figure hiding on the rooftops, watching. And no one noticed as the figure followed Ruari’s path.

The festival was fairly uninteresting. Ruari and Sebastian both spent much of the time politely declining invitations to dance, or do other things, with the multitude of Kirkwall elite. Ruari was certain Varric or Isabella had something to do with it; urging people who had absolutely no hope with either rogue to attempt to woo them was right up their alley, after all. The few Ruari did choose to dance with were held to brief passes before she slipped away again. And all the while, the figure on the rooftops watched, and reminded himself that this was all his fault.

Finally, she made her escape, excusing herself from the festivities to disappear back inside her home. Sebastian had already retreated to the Chantry in an effort to avoid a particularly grabby Isabella. Her feet hurt, her back ached and she was exhausted; it was harder dealing with the festival than most of the fights she’d been in. Right then, she wanted nothing more than to just take a long soak in a hot bath and go to sleep for days. She had just removed the last of her sweat-soaked finery and was preparing to slip into the freshly heated water when she heard Bodahn try to dissuade an unexpected visitor from moving deeper into the home.

Rolling her eyes, she grabbed the nearest towel, wrapped it around herself and walked out into the main room. “Really, Varric? You haven’t seen enough of me; you have to interrupt my well-deserved bath?” It didn’t occur to her that someone else was with the dwarf until she noticed a very flushed Sebastian looking anywhere but at her with great determination. “Oh, balls. Sebastian, I didn’t know you were barging in too.”

“I … um, I was just making sure you survived your admirers.” Sebastian was torn. On one hand, he had been taught that you look at a lady when speaking to her. On the other, she was also only clothed in a towel, and the gentlemanly thing to do was to not look at her. And in her current state of undress, looking at her might be … distracting. 

Varric just smiled, ignoring the human’s discomfort. “Broody asked to see you, actually.” He was a little surprised; though Hawke had included Fenris on most of her rounds in the last few years, they rarely spoke thanks to the tension that was still palpable. While he thought he knew the underlying cause, it still surprised him when the elf asked for the favor. “I bumped into choir-boy here on my way in.”

“Fenris wants to see me?” Ruari repeated, stunned. He hadn’t made any effort to see her since the whole fiasco three years ago. He never turned her away when she came to ask for his help, but he never sought her out, either. In an effort to make light of the confusion she felt, she tried to joke. “He probably just wants me to loan him the money to pay you back, Varric.”

“I don’t know, Hawke. He seemed rather … well, I was going to say he seemed serious, but, he’s usually serious, isn’t he?” Varric shrugged as he Sebastian and exchanged a concerned glance. She’d finally at least sort of gotten over the elf; she wasn’t hiding in her estate all the time, at least. Would this make things better … or worse? “Shall I have Bodahn send a message back that you are washing your hair?”

“No, Varric,” Ruari sighed, shaking her head. “I’ll go see him. It’s got to be important if he’s actually asking for me.” She sprinted up the steps to her room and threw on her armor; somehow, nearly every time she left the house, something happened that made having armor a plus. After straightening her hair, she ushered the two men out and headed over toward Fenris’ mansion. Sure, he was technically still squatting there, but it was his in her mind.

When she arrived at the door to the room Fenris spent most of his time, Aveline was just leaving. “You talk to him Hawke,” she grumbled as she shoved past her friend. “I’ve had my fill of him for today.”

Ruari watched as her friend left, wondering what she’d walked in on. She was about to say something when Fenris snarled out , “Venhedis! Fasta vass!”

She’d heard him curse before, though rarely in his home, and usually it was accompanied by flying liquor. She couldn’t help but smile as she walked in, hoping everything was alright. “Maybe it’s just me,” she said, forcing herself to sound lighthearted. “But I swear you’re upset.”

Fenris was glad she’d come; he hadn’t been certain she would after everything that had happened. He felt a little … odd, asking for her help, but if anyone would understand, she would. “It’s my sister,” he sighed, gesturing toward what he’d started considering her seat. “I … didn’t tell you, but I followed up on Hadriana’s information. Everything she said was true.” He paused, trying to watch her expression without looking like he was watching. She didn’t seem annoyed, yet. “I had to keep it quiet, but I eventually contacted Varania and sent her coin enough to come meet me.” He fought the urge to wring his hands; this nervous thing was not like him. “And now she’s here.”

She chose to remain standing, leaning against the door frame instead. “So she was in Qarinus after all?” Ruari asked, somewhat surprised. She’d honestly expected Hadriana’s information to be false, given what little she’d seen of the woman.

Fenris shook his head, still not quite believing what he’d discovered. “My sister left Magister Ahirman’s service,” he explained. “I found her in Minrathous. That made it … more difficult.” He sighed. It had been quite the ordeal to find out anything, and it had cost him … much. “But according to the men I paid, it’s just as Hadriana said. She’s not a slave; she’s a tailor, in fact. Getting a letter to her was difficult, and she didn’t believe me at first, but she’s finally come.”

Well, that was good news, right? He was going to get to meet his sister and find out about his past. She was a little hurt he hadn’t mentioned this in any of their excursions over the past three years. She could have helped him; she knew he didn’t have a lot of money to pay whomever he had paid. “Yes, everything’s gone exactly according to plan,” she found herself saying, unable to keep the slight bite from her tone. “What could be worse?”

He should have been expecting that, but there was something in her tone that stung him. And he hadn’t failed to notice that she’d chosen to remain standing. She’d never spoken to him like that before. “Yes, yes … laugh at me,” he grumbled before dropping his gaze. “Come with me, Hawke. I … I need you there when I meet her.”

“I thought you said there was no point in meeting her,” Ruari replied, fighting the urge to walk out. He’d walked out on her with not even a good explanation. He’d gone three years without so much as one visit, and now he wanted her help? Why should she? And why would he even want her around when he met this sister.

He could hear the frustration in her voice and it surprised him. She’d always been so careful with her words, hiding her feelings with sarcasm and humor. But she was slipping, and she was angry with him. “I can’t simply leave it like this, Hawke,” he all but whimpered. “I have to know.” He forced himself to look at her, to move closer to her, all but falling to his knees before her. “If we go to the Hanged Man during the day, she’ll be there … for the next week, at least.” He couldn’t believe he was resorting to it, and if Merrill had seen him, he’d have denied it outright, but he looked at her with what could only be called ‘puppy-dog eyes’ and begged. “It would mean a lot to me. That’s … all I ask.”

Damn him. Damn him to the Black City and back. Why did he have to pull out that trick? Merrill had the right of it when she’d jokingly accused him of having puppy-dog eyes. Ruari knew she’d help him; she knew it as soon as he brought up the fact that his sister was here. But, dammit, why couldn’t she say no to him? “Alright,” she said finally, looking away. “We’ll go in the morning, after breakfast.” Before the elf could say thank you, or anything else, she turned and headed for the door. “I will wait for you near the Hanged Man. Now, I am going to go home and take my well-earned bath.” And then, she was gone.

The following morning found Ruari Hawke unsure how to dress. What does one wear when meeting the sister of her one-time lover that she couldn’t stop mooning over, when it might also be a trap that would involve fighting? She settled on her usual fallback – armor; she would rather play it safe. Too many things pointed to this being a trap. Strapping on the final bit of protection, she grabbed her daggers, tossed a new bone to Carth, and slipped out the door, hoping the few arrangements she’d made the night before actually worked.

Ruari tried to keep her nerves in check; there was no reason for her to be nervous. She was just going to the tavern as moral support for her … friend, right? Nothing was going to go wrong. Sure, there was a chance his former master would show up. Sure, his sister could prove to be a total monster. Sure, he could decide that he wanted to return to wherever with her; no, wait. That one wouldn’t happen. But she was doing this for Fenris, because he was still her friend, right?

Fenris was waiting outside the tavern, fidgeting nervously. His sister was inside. That was what he wanted, wasn’t it? Why was he so blasted nervous, then? And then he saw her walking toward him and he remembered. Ruari was coming to help him through this, even after he’d walked out on her … after everything he’d done, she was still actually here, and alone. She hadn’t even brought her mabari. 

After confirming that he was as ready as he was going to be, the pair made their way into the tavern and scanned the room. Ruari noticed Anders and Isabella chatting in one corner. Donnic, Sebastian and Merrill appeared to be listening to Varric recite some new story he was working on. No one seemed to be paying attention to the pair. She was about to ask Fenris if he saw his sister when she felt him stiffen next to her. 

“It really is you,” a red haired elf said, looking at Fenris. She paid little attention to the woman with him. All the humans in Kirkwall looked alike after a while. 

“Varania?” Fenris whispered, trying to ignore the strange feeling in his stomach. He felt Ruari give him a gentle shove and moved closer to the elven woman at the table. “I … I remember you. We played in our master’s courtyard while Mother worked.” He actually remembered! “You called me …”

“Leto,” Varania murmured, pushing away from the table. “That’s your name.” She looked away, determinedly looking anywhere but at him as she moved away from the table.

“What’s wrong?” Fenris was confused. Why was she backing away? He hadn’t done anything threatening, and he was pretty sure Ruari hadn’t done so either. He didn’t notice the bearded mage strolling calmly down the steps in the back of the tavern, followed by several armed men. “Why are you so …”

“Oh, wonderful,” Ruari muttered as she watched the man descend into the room. “I’ll give you three guesses.” It looked like Fenris was right to be worried; it was a trap! She glanced behind her and noticed that Aveline had materialized and was leaning on the bar, as well. She couldn’t stop herself from unsheathing one her daggers; something told her she was going to need them.

“Ah, my little Fenris,” the man chuckled, letting his guards spread out behind him. “Predictable as always.”

Fenris’ eyes grew wide, first with surprise, shifting to sadness, then anger, as he realized his sister, the sister he’d been longing to meet, had sold him out. If he really wanted to be truthful, there was some fear in there as well.

“I’m sorry it came to this, Leto,” Varania said, though Ruari wasn’t really sure she believed the elf. There was nothing in her eyes or voice that said she was really sorry.

“You led him here?” Fenris was fighting to make sense of everything. His sister … a woman he hadn’t seen in years, a woman he’d just managed to locate … had sold him out to the one person he’d been struggling to get away from for as long as he could remember.

“Now, now, Fenris,” Danarius oozed closer to Fenris and Ruari found herself mirRuaring his movements, not wanting to let her elven friend out of reach. “Don’t blame your sister. She did what any good Imperial citizen should.”

Fenris growled as he watched the man move toward him. “I never wanted these filthy markings, Danarius!” he snarled, taking a step back. “But I won’t let you kill me to get them!”

Ruari didn’t like where this was going. She knew this was all going to blow up soon. She could hear Aveline, Anders and Sebastian urging the tavern’s occupants out the door. No one wanted any more casualties than necessary. 

Danarius laughed, shaking his head. “Oh, how little you know, my pet.” He did not fail to notice the snarl on the elf’s companion’s face. As he looked her over, he had to laugh. “And is this your new mistress, then?” he asked, extending a hand toward her. “The Champion of Kirkwall? Quite lovely.”

She had to fight to keep from shuddering; the man’s tone was as slimy as his movements. “Fenris doesn’t belong to anyone,” she snarled, ignoring the twinge in her heart. She wanted him to belong to her … not as a slave, but his heart. He didn’t, wouldn’t, if his previous behavior was any indication, but she still didn’t want to see him under Danarius’ control again.

“Do I detect a note of jealousy?” Danarius rubbed his hand over his beard and laughed smugly. She was jealous, wasn’t she? She was upset that he had sampled more of that elf than she had. Surely that was why she was here and so upset. “It’s not surprising,” he consoled. “The lad is rather skilled, isn’t he?”

Was he implying what it sounded like he was implying? Varric glanced at Isabella and was relieved to see the surprise on her face as well. They had joked about things Danarius ordered Fenris to do before, Isabella going further than most with her comments, but none had expected their jokes to be true. The dwarf and pirate left their respective tables with Varric having to prod Merrill to join them. Nothing Hawke ever tried to do ended in anything but a fight, it seemed.

Fenris risked a glance over at Ruari and was relieved to see nothing but anger. There was no disgust in her face and he hoped that meant she wouldn’t hold anything the magister said against him. “Shut your mouth, Danarius!” he screamed and charged the mage. 

Danarius had been ready for the elf’s attack. He disappeared, only to reappear at the top of the stairs with several armed men between himself and his attackers. “The word is master,” he sighed as his men fought off the elf and young woman.

The others joined in the fight, much to Ruari’s relief. She and Fenris were good, but they were outnumbered, especially when the demons and undead started to appear. “Merrill, this isn’t your doing, right?” It wouldn’t be the first time the dalish called forth undead, though it would be the first time her spell attacked them. After getting confirmation that this was not a mis-cast spell from their side, she decided to focus on the mage. If the mage was taken out of the fight the demons and undead would be too. 

She didn’t want to leave Fenris’ side, but they’d never get close to Danarius at this rate. Without warning, she took off, heading straight for the mage, hoping to at least distract him, if not actually take him out. It wasn’t her brightest plan ever , and it really didn’t work out the way she’d wanted, but it did serve a purpose. While Danarius was distracted by the angry woman running full tilt, then tripping over one of his dead guards, he didn’t notice Fenris coming from the side. He raised his staff, pointing it at the girl with a smug look on his face, ready to end her life. He didn’t see her leg fly out to knock his feet out from under him. And he didn’t see Fenris until the elf had him by the throat, dangling him above the floor.

“You are no longer my master,” Fenris snarled, squeezing and twisting until the mage’s throat ripped away, leaving a gurgling lifeless corpse.

“Ew,” Merrill murmured, shaking her head. The others were mostly silent, with Anders moving about, patching up whomever needed it, with the exception of Fenris and Ruari. The two still seemed … busy, and he thought it best not to interrupt, yet. Sebastian and Aveline started righting what furniture they could while Isabella checked on the tavern’s stock. It was likely they could all use a drink after this. As Sebastian lifted one table, Varania crept out, cowering in front of her brother. 

“I had no choice, Leto,” she simpered, eyes nervously darting between Fenris and Ruari. She didn’t know who was more upset at that point.

Fenris snarled. “Stop calling me that!” He wanted nothing to do with that name, nor the woman who kept calling him that.

“He was going to make me an apprentice,” Varania pleaded, hoping her brother would understand. “I would have been a magister.” 

“Well, that’s an interesting development.” Ruari couldn’t help but speak her mind at that revelation. Had Fenris known his sister had been a mage when they were younger? If his family had produced mages, wouldn’t that have made him at least somewhat sympathetic? Then again, a mage had done some unspeakable things to him, so his distrust of mages could be genuine too. It was all so confusing.

“Your sister’s a mage?!” Anders exclaimed, leaving a bandaged Varric to glare at Fenris. “You bloody hypocrite. You really are just jealous, aren’t you?” 

“Not helping, blondie,” Varric sighed, trying to drag the healer’s attention back to more important things. Hawke was going to have her hands full as it was, she didn’t need his help there.

Varania ignored the interruptions and kept her eyes on Fenris, pleading. “You have no idea what we went through; what I’ve had to do since Mother died.” She rubbed her forehead and sighed. “This was my only chance.”

“And now you have no chance at all!” Fenris took a threatening step toward his sister, the markings on his arms starting to glow brightly. Everyone looked at Ruari; they all knew what the glowing arms meant, but no one was sure what she would do.

“Please, don’t do this.” Varania tried begging Fenris, not particularly wanting to die. But when she saw it would do her no good, she quickly looked over to the woman at his side. Danarius had called her Leto’s mistress. Did that mean he had to do what she said? It was her only chance. “Please, tell him to stop!”

“What if I don’t want him to stop?” Ruari asked idly, watching her friend reach for the cowering elf. When a chorus of ‘Hawke’ could be heard behind her, she sighed. “Wait, don’t kill her.” She tried to think how she would feel in Fenris’ position, and really didn’t think she’d react any differently. But still, Varania was his blood. Could she really let him kill his only blood relative?

“Why not?” Fenris snapped, whirling around to look at her. “She was ready to see me killed.” He wanted her dead. It was the typical punishment for traitors in any country; why shouldn’t it be hers too? He turned back to glare at the elven woman. “What is she to me other than just one more tool of the magisters?”

“This is your family, Fenris,” Ruari whispered, wrapping her arms around herself, realization suddenly hitting home. “This is your sister.” She couldn’t stop herself from picturing her own family, now almost completely gone. Her father and brother dead thanks to the darkspawn. Her mother gone due to a mage’s twisted goal. Her sister stuck in the Circle tower, not even allowed to visit the estate unless under guard. She couldn’t let Fenris just kill the last of his family, could she?

Fenris could hear something in her voice that he hadn’t expected, and now it tugged at him. He could hear the sadness, the weight of all she’d lost … of all the family she’d lost. She would be hurt if he did this … if he killed his sister. The girl meant nothing to him now, nothing more than another reminder of what had been taken from him. But it meant something to her. He didn’t bother looking at Varania; he just gestured toward the door and growled. “Get out.”

Without so much as a thank you, the elf ran for the door. But something made her stop before opening the door. With one hand gripping the handle, she turned to look at Fenris’ back. “You said you didn’t ask for this, but that’s not true,” she snapped. “You wanted it. You competed for it. When you won, you used the boon to have Mother and I freed.”

Confused, Fenris turned to face her, trying to make sense of what she was saying. “Why are you telling me this?”

“Honestly, it sounds like something I’d do,” Ruari muttered to Sebastian. “Do my damnedest to do whatever it took to free my family? I’d give my life if it meant Mother, Carver, or Father could have lived.”

“Freedom was no boon,” Varania snapped, glaring at her brother. “I look on you now and I think you received the better end of the bargain.” Without waiting for a response, she flung the door open and stalked out, glad to be away with her life.

Fenris couldn’t speak for a moment. Everywhere he looked, he saw someone staring at him. Varric, Aveline, Isabella … even that fool Merrill; they were all watching him. And he knew she was watching him too, and he couldn’t bring himself to meet her gaze. “I thought discovering my past would bring a sense of belonging, but I was wrong. Magic has tainted that too.” He sighed and closed his eyes, clenching a fist at his side. “There is nothing for me to reclaim. I am alone.”

Ruari felt her heart break as she moved toward the elf. She wanted to take him in her arms … to hug him like he’d never been hugged before. But she didn’t. All she did was rest a hand on his arm and whisper, “I’m still here, Fenris.” 

“Maker only knows why,” Anders muttered, glaring at the elf’s back. He couldn’t believe the woman was still hung up on Fenris, after everything that had happened. 

Fenris couldn’t stop himself. He looked up, looked her in the eye. He saw nothing but compassion, concern … care. She still cared for him, even after everything … after all this. His lips curled into the briefest of smiles before he stopped himself. Surely he was mistaken. There was nothing there. How could there be, after what Varania had said? “I … need to go,” was all he said before almost sprinting from the tavern.

 

She had given him time, again. It seemed like all she did was give him time, anymore. But she wanted to check on him. Finding out his sister was a mage and had sold him out to Danarius had to be hard to swallow. “He really ought to start locking this door,” Ruari thought to herself as she pulled the heavy mansion door open. She had barely gotten through the door when Isabella brushed past her, looking irritated. Had she interrupted something with her arrival?

“She doesn’t understand,” Fenris muttered, looking over the banister at her. He had watched Isabella leave, not expecting to see her entering. He hadn’t expected Ruari to come back after the events at the Hanged Man. Danarius had made some unsavory comments about him and he had been sure that would have been enough to keep her away. But she was here. “Yes, I am free,” he sighed as Ruari climbed the stairs. “Danarius is dead. Yet … it doesn’t feel like it should.”

She reached out and brushed her fingertips against the back of his hand for a brief second before moving past him. She headed for the fireplace for a moment, then took a seat in the closest chair, her chair. “Seems like you should be dancing for joy.”

Fenris wanted to reach out and take her hand, but before he could, she had moved past. Was this her subtle way of saying she’d moved on? His heart sank a little as he followed. “I would have thought so,” he sighed, taking a seat across from her. “I thought that if I didn’t have to run and fight to survive, I might finally be able to live as a free man does.” His hands clenched into fists as he slumped forward. “But how is that? My sister is gone and I have nothing … not even an enemy.” He didn’t even have her.

“You’re not reminiscing about the good old days of being hunted, I hope,” Ruari grinned in spite of herself. Something about being in that room, in that chair, made her relax and almost slip back to the comfortable feelings before that night. It was almost … nice.

Fenris couldn’t stop the chuckle that escaped, glad for the break in tension as he settled back into his chair. “I wouldn’t go that far,” he replied with a faint smile. Oh, Maker, how he’d missed talking with her like this. “It’s just … difficult to overlook the stain that magic has left on my life. If I seem bitter, it’s not without cause.” Hawke was one of the lucky few, he felt. Yes, her family has had magic, but none of them turned on each other; there was so much love in her family. Was it possible that he might find the same, someday? “Perhaps it is time to move forward. I just … I just don’t know where that leads. Do you?”

She watched as hopeful eyes lifted to look at her. Ruari wished she could say she was over him, but the truth was she wasn’t. She loved him. She really did. Even after everything, he had her heart. And she thought he felt something for her; his life just made things … difficult for him to show it. “Where ever it leads,” she whispered, almost as if she was speaking to herself, “I hope it means we’ll be together.”

Fenris’ ears perked up. Had she meant to say that out loud? He wasn’t sure. He wasn’t even really sure she’d said anything. “That is my hope as well,” he answered, hoping he hadn’t been hearing things. When she looked at him and smiled, his heart began to thump loudly in his chest. He felt hope creeping up, tickling against the tons of doubt in his mind. But, there was something that needed to be done. “We … have never discussed what happened between us … three years ago.”

“You … didn’t seem like you wanted to talk about it,” Ruari answered flatly, the smile fading. She’d spent days trying to get any sort of answer out of him after it had happened, but had always been shut down. Soon, she’d just given up. “Didn’t really seem like you wanted to talk to me, so I didn’t want to press the issue.”

Fenris sighed, looking away. He should have never left like that; she deserved more. She still did. “I … I felt like a fool,” he finally replied. “I thought it better if you hated me. I deserved no less. But it isn’t better.” He moved to his feet quickly, pacing his way closer to her as he spoke. “That night … I remember your touch as if it were yesterday.” He’d thought of little else for three long years; every moment alone was spent reliving that night. “I should have asked your forgiveness long ago. I … I hope you can forgive me now.”

She wanted to say yes right away. She wanted to, but she couldn’t. For once, she pushed down the urge to do whatever it took to make him smile at her. Carefully watching her tone, she looked at him. “I need to understand why you left like that, Fenris.”

That was fair. She deserved to know; she deserved so much more. “I’ve thought about the answer a thousand times,” he said quietly, finally stopping in front of her. He looked down, fighting the nerves he felt. “The pain, the memories it brought up … it was too much.” He looked away, squeezing his eyes shut. “I was a coward. I am sorry. If I could go back, I would stay. I would tell you how I felt.”

“What would you have said?” Ruari asked softly, looking up at him with tears just starting to form in the corners of her eyes. 

Fenris whipped his head around to look at her, barely resisting the urge to fall to his knees before her, again. “Nothing could be worse than the thought of living without you.” He felt a huge weight lift from him; he’d finally told her what he’d wanted to say for three long years. He didn’t know what she would say … what she would do. And she wasn’t saying anything. She was just looking at him, smiling. Finally he could resist no longer. He reached out, took her hand and pulled her to her feet, clutching her to him. “If there is a future to be had, I will walk into it gladly, at your side.”

It took Ruari a moment to register what had just happened. One minute, she had been in her chair, listening to his explanation. The next minute, she was pressed against his chest, feeling his arms around her, hearing the nervousness in his voice. “I love you, Fenris,” she whispered before seeking out his lips. “I want you with me, always.”

**Author's Note:**

> This was actually written a couple years ago. Very little editing has been done to it; I just decided to finally start posting things.


End file.
